


and I'll learn to come to love the skies I'm under

by Quagswagging



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Internal Conflict, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, M/M, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24390883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quagswagging/pseuds/Quagswagging
Summary: The love he felt for Daniel was kept within the walls of his heart, ever so slightly soothing the anxiety and hurt also kept in there. His walls had strengthened over time and by the time Daniel left for Renault, Max’s walls had become a fortress. Not even a drop of Max’s love for Daniel was allowed to seep out, nothing more than brotherly friendliness. Daniel could never find out what Max felt for him, it could only ruin the friendship Max had worked so hard for.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 22
Kudos: 145





	and I'll learn to come to love the skies I'm under

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this in the middle of the night, feeling quite emotional myself, and yup it shows.
> 
> Still, I'm rather proud of the flow and narrative of this story. I normally feel like my stories are very dialogue-heavy, but this one certainly isn't. Max's internal struggles are like a reoccurring thing in my fics, and I felt like I needed to just focus on it so much more for once. As always I don't claim this is what Max feels at all, but idk these are just the vibes he gives me.
> 
> Title is from "Hopeless Wanderer" by Mumford and Sons (they got some quality titles in their lyrics lol)
> 
> Anyways, enough ranting. I really hope you guys like this, as even if I'm very proud of this work, I'm quite nervous about posting it as well sjjs It's quite outside my comfort zone.  
> Happy reading!

The spring air in Monaco was cool that night. Max thought it fit the cold, stifling anxiety keeping a tight grip on his chest. It somewhat soothed him, having the weather fit his mood. It made him feel as if he was not fully to blame for the emotions threatening to burst out of him, as if Mother Nature had just decided that this was the day Max would come to doubt everything he had ever done, and had made the weather so cold and distant on purpose so Max felt even more alone.

Max had stopped looking at the clock a long time ago, but knew it had to be the middle of the night. 2 O’clock, 3 maybe? Way too late to still be up but Max couldn’t help it. He supposed he had seen it coming months ago already, had felt the anxiety slowly trickling into his veins, making his blood feel thick and sluggish and his heart heavier than a brick until also his mind could not find rest anymore,

And it was all because of Daniel. 

Stupid, smiling, handsome, _loving_ Daniel, who had made him see the world did not have to revolve around his career, that Max could have fun while also staying professional. The years with Daniel at his side at Red Bull had done wonders for Max’s mood and also for his self-control and Max had never quite known how to thank Daniel for it.

His feelings for the Australian had always been complicated. Max had never known how to feel about him. The Aussie was bubbly and kind, but Max knew there was pain hidden away deep within that facade. Max knew the pain was there, as he carried a similar pain within himself. But whereas Daniel could control the pain and had hidden it away so well no one even knew it was there, the walls around Max’s pain were not strong enough and sometimes gave in. Those waves of pain spilling out of him had given Max a reputation of being unpredictable and angry, while in reality, he was just a lost little boy who was so, so afraid. He wanted Daniel to teach him how to strengthen the walls, how to make them strong enough to survive tsunamis of emotion. But Max had never known how to ask for help. Asking for help meant showing weakness, and weakness could not exist within Max, his father made sure of it.

Instead of asking for help, instead of showing Daniel how much he was hurting, Max kept refusing to talk about his emotions. More than once, Daniel had subtly given him the opportunity to talk, giving Max small snippets of his own pain and fears and waiting for Max to give him something in return. But it was in those moments that Max shut down, getting angry instead of opening up and snapping at Daniel with more venom in his voice than he wanted to. Daniel had always forgiven him, time and time again no matter how much Max’s words made Daniel frown.

Max remembered one particular occasion, after he had had a bad race and his father had been more than just a little bit angry. He had fled to Daniel the moment his father had let him go, arriving at the Aussie’s hotel room all flustered and shaking. He had expected Daniel to pity him, to tell him he felt sorry, but the Australian had simply put on a movie and handed him a beer as they settled on the bed together, pretending like nothing was out of the ordinary. It was soothing. So soothing Max had wanted to cry then, curling up against Daniel’s chest and letting him hold him as Max told him everything that had happened. Instead, he had clinked his bottle against Daniel’s and had stared at the screen while fighting to keep the tears from spilling. He had slept in Daniel’s room that night, having fallen asleep halfway through the movie. Daniel hadn’t woken him up, and when Max woke up the next morning, he was held safely in Daniel’s arms. It was at that moment that Max realised he loved Daniel, loved him more than he ever had anyone else.

The love he felt for Daniel was kept within the walls of his heart, ever so slightly soothing the anxiety and hurt also kept in there. His walls had strengthened over time and by the time Daniel left for Renault, Max’s walls had become a fortress. Not even a drop of Max’s love for Daniel was allowed to seep out, nothing more than brotherly friendliness. Daniel could never find out what Max felt for him, it could only ruin the friendship Max had worked so hard for. But for the first time ever, Max struggled with not wanting to hide his feelings anymore. He wanted love, he wanted to both give and receive it. He was tired of hiding and wanted nothing more than to learn how to love.

But he didn’t act on his feelings. Instead of going home with Daniel, of confessing his love and of just kissing him, he busied himself with one night stands. It was never enough, no matter how beautiful the man or woman was, because it was never Daniel. He slept with models, random people he found in bars as well as other drivers, but none of them were Daniel. 

Max rolled over in his bed, burying his face in his pillow and exhaling shakily. He reached for the pillow on the other side of the bed and, if he squeezed his eyes closed tightly enough, he could almost feel like it was another person laying next to him. He imagined it would be nice to have Daniel next to him every night, to have him roll over sleepily and hug Max tightly to his chest. Max would willingly have a bad race for that to happen (okay, maybe even 2), he would give up so much to hear “I love you” falling from Daniel’s lips. 

Max sat up, biting his lip. Part of him wanted to go to Daniel, whose apartment building was only a 10-minute walk away, and yell at Dan’s window how much the man meant to him. Which was a ridiculous idea. 

Still, Max felt the anxiety in his chest tighten and twist with every passing second, and he just needed someone to touch him, to hold him. A simple brush of a hand on his shoulders would already make Max feel better. He stumbled out of bed, still dazed and sleepy, and got dressed even though he still did not know what he wanted to do. He often did that, acting without thinking things through, and it was never a good idea. It was how he had blurted out part - just the tip of the iceberg really - of his festering problems to Lando, who he had ended up in bed with after a long night of gaming. He liked the Brit, considered him one of his closest friends, and he was a safe option when it came to sex. Momentarily, he had been afraid Lando had seen the one-night stand as more than just that, but after Max had mumbled he was in love with Daniel, Lando had just smiled.

“I know.” the young Brit had mumbled, gently drawing figures over Max’s chest as he laid curled against the Dutchman’s side in their post-sex haze. “I can see it in your eyes when you look at him.” Max had been baffled, so convinced that he had gotten good at hiding his feelings that Lando’s words scared him. What if Daniel knew about Max’s love for him? What if he was just ignoring it as to not encourage the Dutchman any further? 

Max had to know what Daniel felt for him, even if it would end badly. If he didn’t, he might very well never sleep again. He had gotten dressed without really noticing, only jerking back to reality as he opened the front door of his apartment. Was he really going to do it? Was he really going to go to Daniel’s apartment and potentially ruin the friendship they had so carefully build up over time?

Max started to doubt his decision after he had just walked out of the street, and sat down on a wooden bench to take a deep breath. His heart was hammering so fast and so loud in his chest that he could barely hear himself think. It had started to rain but Max still didn’t move, too caught up by the fears that had ruled his life since he was little. 

_Racing over romance, always._ Max’s father had made him promise time and time again, but Max no longer wished to choose. Daniel was his rock, the buoy rocking gently in the waves of Max’s turbulent sea. He shouldn’t have to choose between racing and love, having Daniel would make him better on track too. At least, that’s what Max told himself as he continued his walk. 

He ended up in front of Dan’s building a little after 4AM, soaked and shivering from the rain and maybe from his anxiety as well. He found the main door to be unlocked and slipped inside, taking the stairs up to the 4th floor and coming to an abrupt halt in front of Daniel’s door. He knocked, but only so very softly he knew Daniel would not hear him. It was only to soothe his conscience, enabling him to tell himself that he had at least tried. Max sighed, feeling tears brim in his eyes again as he turned and leaned back against the door, sliding down onto the floor and sitting with his legs pulled up to his chest. He closed his eyes, sniffling slightly. Daniel was right on the other side of the door, and Max didn’t even have the courage to knock. Max let out a huff in frustration an angrily threw his head back, the back of his skull hitting the wooden door with a dull thud.

Max tensed, straining his ears to listen in on what was happening inside the apartment. His heart skipped a beat when he heard someone shuffling towards the door. Every part of him screamed at him to run away, but Max found himself nailed to the floor.

“Max?” Daniel asked sluggishly as he opened the door and looked down on the Dutchman’s seated form. Max could only stare up at him with wide eyes, barely remembering to even breathe. Daniel knelt down, rubbing at his eyes still, and placed his free hand on Max’s shoulder.

“Are you alright?” he asked, seeming wide awake and alert from the moment he noticed Max’s anxious expression.

“I eh… I went for an evening stroll and got lost.” Max blurted out. Daniel clearly didn’t believe him, but still nodded.

“Want to come in then?” he asked. Max nodded, clumsily getting onto his feet and stepping into Dan’s home. Dan closed and locked the door, before turning to face Max, who still looked like a deer caught in headlights.

“Did something happen?” Daniel asked. “Jesus Max what were you doing out in the rain?” he sighed when he noted how soaked Max was. Max shrugged half-heartedly, not looking Daniel in the eye as the Aussie brought him over to the bedroom. 

“I’ll give you some dry clothes.” Daniel said slowly, as if he was talking to a child. Max nodded and turned his head away, not moving as Daniel sorted through his closet. 

“I’m sorry I woke you up.” he whispered when Daniel pressed a set of clothes into his hands. The Aussie tried to regain eye contact with Max, but the Dutchman was still looking everywhere but Dan’s face.

“It’s okay. I’m always here if you need me.” Daniel said after a moment of silence, still carefully observing Max. Max slowly brought his eyes up to meet Dan’s amber ones.

“I wasn’t lost.” he whispered, while taking off his shirt and replacing it with the dry one Dan had given him. Daniel hummed.

“I figured.” he said. They both settled into silence again, Daniel picking up Max’s wet clothes as Max pulled on a dry hoodie over his shirt. Daniel gestured him back into the kitchen after, where he hung Max’s clothing over a drying rack as Max sat tensely at the bar.

“Do you want to tell me why you really came here?” Daniel urged softly, rounding the bar and standing opposite Max, just the kitchen counter separating them now.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Max muttered, playing with a loose thread on the hoodie’s sleeve. Daniel kept quiet, not pushing Max to say anything, giving Max the time to neatly organize his thoughts in his head. 

“I-” Max started, panic starting to clutch at his throat in a vice-like grip. “I can’t, sorry.” he choked out, stumbling off his chair and heading for the door again. Daniel stopped him by gently grasping Max’s wrist but the touch made Max cry out, moving his free arm up to shield himself. A habit, after growing up the way he had.

“Ssh, Maxy.” Daniel shushed gently, letting go of Max and keeping his distance as Max tried to calm his breathing. “It’s okay, you don’t have to do or say anything you don’t want to.” Dan added. Max nervously chewed on his bottom lip, his fingers twitching against the side of his legs in jerky movements. All the words he wanted to say were stuck in his throat. Daniel took a deep breath. 

“After Jules passed away, I built a wall around myself...” Daniel started, confirming Max’s gut feeling. Max knew Daniel was only telling him this to make him feel less vulnerable, as if he wasn’t the only one so terribly out of touch with his emotions. Max felt grateful for it. “...I didn’t want people to hurt me anymore so I didn’t let anyone close enough to do so. But you can’t live like that Max, it breaks you.” Dan added more quietly. Max let out a harsh sob.

“I don’t want walls anymore.” he said frantically, breathing hitching and fingers curling into tight fists to keep them from trembling as he fought against the emotions threatening to spill out. Daniel stepped closer, worry swirling in his brown eyes, and then held out his arms.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to anymore.” he soothed. Rough sobs tore through Max’s throat now, making it difficult to breathe. Daniel reached for him, pulling him into his chest, and Max dug his fingers into Dan’s shoulder so tightly it must have hurt. 

“I-I…” Max gasped out, before coughing violently as his breath got stuck in his throat. Daniel was stroking his hair, gently rocking him as he mumbled softly against the side of Max’s head. Max clumsily pushed him away, let out a strangled, animal-like noise, and then curled his fingers into Daniel’s hair, pulling him into a frantic kiss. 

But Daniel didn’t kiss back. 

Max stumbled away from Daniel with wide eyes, gasping as his back hit the wall and pushed the air from his lungs. Dan was instantly there again, reaching out to touch him but Max slapped his hands away. 

“Please! Let me go…” Max sobbed. “if you don’t want me then I-” he continued frantically, clutching and pulling at his own hair as he tried to keep the pure, terrifying panic in his chest under control.

“I love you Max.” Daniel said slowly, calmly, his hands curling around Max’s to stop him from hurting himself. Max shook his head.

“Don’t lie to me!” he sobbed, making another dash for the door only for Daniel to pull him into a tight hug again. 

“I love you.” Daniel whispered over and over again as Max tried to fight his embrace, pulling and pushing at Daniel’s arms with such force Daniel winched. After a few long moments, all the energy and adrenaline abruptly drained from Max’s body, and Daniel brought him down to the floor, keeping him straddling his lap as he curled an arm around Max’s waist to keep him in place. Max’s voice was so hoarse by now it was merely a whisper when he spoke again.

“You can’t love me.” he whispered. “You shouldn’t.” He closed his eyes, resting his head against Daniel’s shoulder. Daniel sighed.

“Why not?” he muttered, nose brushing against Max’s cheek.

“I’m broken. I don’t know how to love.” Max whispered. “I don’t _deserve_ love.” he added. Daniel gently lifted Max’s chin with the tips of his fingers, urging the younger man to look him in the eye.

“I love you, Max.” he repeated. “You deserve love more than anyone else in the world after what you’ve been through. I don’t care if you think you can’t love me, I’ll teach you.” he said strongly. 

“I’m broken.” Max argued dejectedly. 

“So am I.” Daniel replied instantly. “A part of me died with Jules. But you brought it back.” he added, seeming to now be the one struggling to keep eye contact. Max tried to come up with more excuses, but then gave up.

“You’re the first person who has ever made me feel safe.” he whispered, hands coming up to brush over Dan’s cheeks, mapping his features with slow, shy movement of his fingers. Daniel sighed, nudging their noses together. There was a bit of blood on Daniel’s lips from the sheer force of Max’s kiss, and Max brushed it off with his thumb.

“Sorry, I- I couldn’t tell you. So I had to show you.” he muttered. Daniel’s hand moved to the back of Max’s neck, pulling him in a bit more.

“It’s okay, I understand.” he said with a kind smile, before tugging Max into a tender, hesitant kiss. Their lips barely even brushed together this time around, until Max let out a soft noise and pushed them together a little more firmly. Daniel held him as if he was made of glass, hands gently brushing over his sides and over his back as they hesitantly moved their lips together. When they parted, they were both breathless, smiling shyly at each other as they remained so close together that Max could feel Dan’s shaky breaths against his cheeks. 

“Stay?” Daniel asked, and Max nodded without hesitation. Max reluctantly untangled himself from Daniel so they could both get up, Daniel taking Max’s hand and bringing him to the bedroom. The Aussie went to sit on the bed, but Max walked to the window, slightly pushing the curtains apart to look outside. The rain had stopped and the sun was starting to come up, painting the sky with soft pinks and oranges. Daniel stepped up behind him, arms sliding around Max’s waist and pulling him back into Daniel’s warm body.

“Maxy?” Daniel asked softly when Max continued to stare outside. The Dutchman sighed, cuddling into Daniel.

“I’m happy.” he whispered, turning his head and pressing a soft kiss to Daniel’s lips, which were turned up into a tender smile. The weather outside mirrored his feelings inside once again. The sky had cleared, the darkness was gone.

Max would be alright after all.

And as Daniel lazily moved their lips together, Max could feel the walls around his heart crumble to dust.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to know your feelings about this! Comments and Kuddos are like *insanely welcome* for this one!  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Find me on tumblr and feel free to yell at me if I gave you feels. You can find me @bwoahtastic


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